The Struggle Is Real, But So Is My God: Laying Down Coffee At The Foot Of The Cross Part 2

After much struggle, I gave up caffeinated coffee January 1^st of this year. In fact, I gave up all caffeine (you can read more about my history with coffee in Part 1). I know I am touching on a sensitive topic here and many Christians will not agree with me. I used to be one of you. I never thought I would be writing this post. But God opened my eyes and touched my heart in such a specific way, I know I would be disobeying Him to drink caffeine again. So before you decide this post isn’t for you, read to the end and see what God showed me.

I gave up caffeine January 1^st this year. At first, I thought it would just be caffeinated coffee, since that is where most of my caffeine intake was coming from. But as I thought about giving up coffee, I was reminded of the last time I had, and began thinking about the tea I would drink in its place. When these thoughts arose, I was suspicious of a caffeine addiction. How is it that the thought of going without caffeine unnerved me? It was the same spirit—addiction, dressed up as something else—caffeine. You know you’re addicted to something when you can’t go without it. (And I was convinced I didn’t have a problem because I would go without it for 40 days every year.)

There were even times in December (when I had decided to give up caffeine come January), that I would drink caffeinated tea and I would feel such conviction and fear. I just knew in my spirit that I would have to lay it down. And the one time I did try to drink very weak, caffeinated tea around March, God wouldn’t let me. I took one sip and began to feel carsick and get a headache.

To be honest, at the beginning of the year I didn’t deal with giving up caffeine in my heart very well. I was bitter and angry at God. My attitude was like a pouting little girl who didn’t get to have her favorite toy or candy. I found myself sleeping in, not at all desiring to wake up and meet with the Lord. My morning coffee with my Bible and Journal was a daily routine. It was something I loved—a time I was fond of and had heart attachment to. Looking back at it now I can see clearly the two loves rivaled (Coffee and Jesus), even though I thought they were in tandem and not at all comparable. So it was hard for me to give up my morning coffee with Jesus. Then one day I had a revelation: It was never the caffeine that made my mornings with the Lord so special, it was His Spirit. I had the caffeine when I was addicted to alcohol and my life was miserable. So it couldn’t be the caffeine. It was Jesus. He really is what I wanted and was after.

All of this happened and I was caffeine free for 6 months. Sunday, July 3^rd I accidentally drank a whole cup of caffeinated coffee.

David and I were travelling, and in the hotel we were staying at they lined up the decaf, medium roast, and dark roast in the same order every day. All the canisters looked similar and there was no orange pull tab. I had a lovely conversation with a woman in the elevator on my way down and my mind was preoccupied, thinking about the day. Operating in automatic, I grabbed a coffee cup, went to the canister in the usual spot where the decaf was, filled my cup, and went back upstairs. Drinking my morning cup, I went to the bathroom very quickly (chronic constipation was a major reason why I drank caffeinated coffee and didn’t want to give it up). I also was filled with excitement and energy. About 45min later, I noticed my hands were a little shaky and my body felt energized. Caffeine. They had switched the canisters that day and I hadn’t read the label.

Suddenly, I remembered my coffee days, and I wished I could go back to caffeine. It made life so much easier. I liked it. I liked feeling energy and excitement. I don’t like feeling tired. I liked being able to go to the bathroom easily and not be concerned about having a stomach ache if I didn’t. The war inside was resurrected.

On Monday I went without caffeinated coffee. On Tuesday I had a cup. On Wednesday I had half a cup. I wanted coffee back. I was confused and struggling. I journaled:

Wednesday 7/5/23
God, I want to be near You. I want to be close to You. I don’t want coffee and caffeine in the way. Please. Help me Jesus. I need to be near You. I need to hear You clearly. I need Your help. I need Your wisdom. I want to trust You and be in Your will. My Savior and my God.

Psalm 33
15 He who forms the hearts of all, who considers everything they do.
18 But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, on those whose hope is in His unfailing love,
20 We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield.
21 In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name.
22 May Your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in You.

Hope and trust. 4 times in 4 verses.
I want to trust You with my body. Trust You with caffeine and coffee. Trust You. Not my own understanding. Trust You.

It was at this point that I had a thought. What if God was preparing me for pregnancy? Can women have caffeine when they’re pregnant? Even if they can, would I want our baby coming out of the womb with a slight caffeine dependency? What if I gave up caffeine for our child during pregnancy and had subtle resentment towards them in my heart for having to do so? I looked it up and came across an article in a medical journal titled “No Safe Level Of Caffeine Consumption For Pregnant Women And Would-be Mothers.” They give many reasons for why caffeine is harmful to pregnant women and their babies, but what really convicted me was this quote:

“Caffeine is probably the most widely consumed psychoactive substance in history, and many people, including pregnant women consume it on a daily basis.”

Caffeine is a psychoactive substance. Psychoactive. What does that mean? Substance. Substance abuse. Addiction to a substance. What is it that I’ve heard coffee referred to as? Christian crack. That’s right. The only drug that Christians will use.

Psychoactive (adj.):
-of or relating to a substance having a profound or significant effect on mental processes: a psychoactive drug.

This is why God told me if I wanted to operate more in His Spirit I would have to become dependent only upon Him, and nothing else. God doesn’t want caffeine controlling my mental processes. God doesn’t want my mind, body, and emotions stimulated by a substance. I desire to be “carried along by the Holy Spirit (2 Pet. 1:21),” not carried along by caffeine. I continued to journal:

You are helping me God. I trust You Heavenly Father. This is hard for me to lay down. But I trust You. My life has never really been mine. But I trust You. My life has never really been mine. My body isn’t really mine. It’s Yours. A living sacrifice.

Romans 12
“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.“

Here is my body Lord. I offer it freely to You.

The lyrics, “My life has never really been mine” kept playing in my head. Knowing God speaks to me through song lyrics, I looked it up.

“Write Your Story” by Francesca Battistelli
My life
I know it’s never really been mine
So do with it whatever You like
I don’t know what Your plan is
But I know it’s good, yeah

I’m an empty page
I’m an open book
Write Your story on my heart
Come on and make Your mark

Author of my hope
Maker of the stars
Let me be Your work of art
Won’t You write your story on my heart

On my heart. That’s the part God is after. By obeying Him with my body, I am trusting Him with my heart.

Later that morning, the song “Thy Will Be Done” by Hilary Scott came on. Knowing again God was speaking to me, my heart was flooded with gratitude, joy, and peace. I was so thankful that God had heard me and answered my prayer. I NEEDED an answer. I couldn’t live in confusion over coffee. When you seek God, wholeheartedly, He will answer (Jer. 29:13). Sometimes, it’s the answer we don’t like. So we pretend we didn’t hear and “keep waiting on God for an answer” while doing whatever we like/we think is best. Relying on our own understanding instead of trusting (Prov. 3:5-6).

But the struggle wasn’t over.

Thursday I was tempted to get caffeinated coffee. I got half a cup. In the elevator the phrase “and keep your servant also from willful sins” came to mind. I journaled:

Thursday, 7/6/23
Psalm 19:13
Keep Your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me.

I got half a cup of caffeinated coffee today. It’s our last day/morning at the hotel. I haven’t drank it yet. Drinking decaf first. Help my body. Help me Lord Jesus. I don’t want to enter into willful sin. My body is Yours. A living sacrifice.

Proverbs 2:3-5
Indeed, if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.

What would you do for hidden treasure? What would you do for relationship with/to know God?

God did keep me from willful sin. I didn’t drink the coffee.

“Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.” –Romans 8:12, 13

I will leave you with the question I asked myself. What would you do for hidden treasure? Now, what would you do for relationship with/to know God? What would you do for greater intimacy with God? Is caffeine in the way of your relationship? Don’t just brush the question off as if it doesn’t apply to you. I thought I didn’t have a caffeine addiction because I could go 40 days without it every year. But God revealed to me that was not the case. I was dependent on caffeine and God called me higher to be dependent only on His Spirit. It was a struggle, but I put to death the misdeeds of my body and my conscience is clean before God. There is so much peace and power that comes with purity. And God has and is healing my bowels. I actually have much less stomach aches and more regularity than I ever thought possible without caffeine. Is caffeine something He is asking you to give up? Seriously, take the question to the Lord and really ask Him what His will is. He will answer. He will show you. He always does. It’s whether or not we listen and choose to trust Him.

“Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.” –Matthew 6:10

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight.” –Proverbs 3:5-6