Recital or Relationship

“Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.” Sound familiar? Just tell me what to do so I can know what is expected of me. Then I can meet that expectation and be pleasing to you. Then I can be enough, valuable, worthy of your love. I did all you asked of me. Isn’t that enough?

The problem here is we are still dealing with performance based love. I ‘do’ in order for your heart to turn and give me what I need; love. Relationships with people don’t last long like this, and relationship with God is never fully satisfying like this.

I have been in a transitional season for 4 months now. In trying to “figure out” my life, I cried out to God, “What do you want me to do?!? I’ll do it!”

His response?

“I don’t want you to do anything.  I planned My marriage to you because I desire you. I love you. I want to be in relationship with you.”

“I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord.” Hosea 2:19-20

Can you imagine a wife saying to a husband, “Just tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it!” A heart would be turned away. No one wants to receive a gift with that attitude. The natural human response is, “Forget it. I’ll do it myself.”

It all comes back to the heart. The motives.  God doesn’t want my performance, my works, or my acts of service when they are tainted with impure motives. He wants my heart. He wants to create in me a clean heart. He wants to heal my heart. He wants me to trust Him with the most delicate and essential part of me and love Him with all of it. Relationship. That’s what He desires of me.

“Love the Lord you God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” Deuteronomy 6:5

In order to fully understand what it means to love with all my heart, I had to look up the definition. I can’t fully love God with all my heart if I don’t even know what it is.

heart: (noun).
-the center of the total personality, especially with reference to intuition, feeling, or emotion
-the innermost or central part of anything
-the vital or essential part; core

personality: (noun).
-the visible aspect of one’s character as it impresses others
-a person as an embodiment of a collection of qualities
-the sum total of the physical, mental, emotional, and social characteristics of an individual
-the essential character of a person

Ok. So. I’m supposed to love God with ALL of the physical, mental, emotional, and social. With the innermost or central part of me. With the essential or most vital part; my core. I am supposed to love Him with all of me.

Supposed to—even the phrase implies an expectation I am trying to meet.

How can I even possibly to begin to love God with the most essential part of me when I don’t trust Him? When my heart is still broken, wounded, not properly functioning? When I won’t allow Jesus in to heal and restore what is broken? I can’t. It’s impossible. An impossible expectation to meet…on my own.

“We love because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:19

I have to let him be Lord. Surrender control and totally let Him work on me. Even if it’s painful. More accurately, when it’s painful. Jesus is Lord. I have to let Him be.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

Today I choose to believe His promises. Believe He is good. Believe He will heal my heart when I give it to Him. I choose to give Him more of my heart until it is fully His.

Today I choose Jesus.